Anx•i•e•ty

“a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”

I feel as if I have developed anxiety a lot over the last five years or so. Having a stressful job, dealing with infertility, a not so smooth pregnancy and now being a mom. All of those things have increased my anxiety more and more as they came. I wouldn’t say I have horrible, unmanageable anxiety by any means. But enough to where it is noticeable and causes me to feel uneasy, heart racing, anxious type of way. I kind of start to feel sick, and I just need to lay my head down for a little bit and take deep breaths. Or sometimes, I’ll just cry it out for a couple minutes and then I am good. 

When I actually started going to a Yoga studio, it helped me a lot. It was such an amazing outlet and every time I left a class, I felt 100 times better than when I went in. I would sleep better, feel more relaxed for the next day. I just never seem to have the time to actually go anymore. But any of you that do have any anxiety issues and just need to de-stress, and you haven’t tried a yoga class, do yourself a favor and GO!

I did read an article recently about “high-function” people. Some people just have that nak to go, go, go and can handle a busy lifestyle like its their day job. Without even batting an eye. Well, I am NOT one of those people. My life always feels like it is on speed. We are constantly going, going, going...and I think that contributes a lot to my anxiety from time to time. Based off of my personality colors, this reflects it to be true as well. 

I bottle everything inside, too. Which has always been a bad trait of mine. 

However, now my almost one year old is dealing with Separation Anxiety. And OMG, it REAL ya’ll. She is unbelievably clingy towards me right now. I am not allowed out of her sight or she throws a fit. Dropping her off at day care every morning is seriously one of the hardest things. I DREAD it every day because I cannot stand to see her so upset. 

I think about how I feel from time to time with my little bit of anxiety that I get, and this little girl, has no other worries in the world right now, except to be with her momma. And she can’t all day. I HAVE to leave her and just let her deal with it. Gosh, its sounds even worse putting that way. But its true. I feel so bad leaving her like that. I know she ends up getting over it not too long after I leave, but goodness gracious. That look on her face, as she’s gripping ahold of me SOOOO tight, with real BIG tears rolling down her face. All because I have to leave her to go to work. Ahhh, just rip my heart right out why don’t ya! It is seriously torture! 

I pray she grows out of this phase before too long because I don’t know how much more I can handle, seeing her like that. At home, she’s the same way, more so when it gets close to bed time. And poor Bud, is hating it because she only wants me. I hate it for him, and me in the middle of night haha, but it does hurt his feelings when she acts like she doesn’t even want him to TRY to console her. I try to explain to him, its just a phase and a baby just always wants their momma for some reason. 

And I know I sound like a softy about it, but when we are at home, I don’t just give into her. I try not to hold her a lot, and if she’s throwing a fit on the floor because I won’t hold her, I just let her throw her fit. I don’t get up at night as soon as she starts crying. We try to get her mind on to other things, plays songs she likes, play patty cake, give her food 🤣, ANYTHING! But not a whole lot else makes her happy during these fits. Lol 

Again, its just a phase, its just a phase...I keep telling myself. I am sure a lot of you other moms have experienced this, too. Hopefully you can relate. I mean, it is nice to feel needed, but shit, sometimes you need to NOT be attached to your child every second. I love her more than anything and will always do what’s best for her. 

We will fight anxiety together!! Eventually lol. 

I do feel like my anxiety comes from a deeper place inside. I know, there I go being “deep” again. It is hard to explain and I am still trying to figure it out. 

 Aniexty comes from not being able to control something or knowing the outcome. Everyone has this worry from time to time, sure, but when aniexty takes over this worry it’s like you feel trapped, suffocated. Like you’re feeling over worked, stressed with bills, seems to always be fighting time, that go, go, go life and not having time to relax or to yourself. While all of these things can be stressful, for anyone, for me it’s like a feeling of helplessness. Like why does life have to be this way, is this really what life is about? The one life you get to live should not be filled with constant worry or unhappiness. 

So this kind of ties into my previous blog, Purpose. What is my purpose here because it shouldn’t be resolved around this crap. Do what makes you happy and start there. 

That is all!