Now We Wait...Again!

Instead of the 2WW (2 week wait), we had to wait only NINE days before finding out if this crazy, hectic, stressful, draining treatment worked! Aahhhh!! This wait was going to be sooo much more nerve wracking than the others. So much more has been invested this time. I am not sure how I am going to remain sane these next 9 days!!!

I was trying to prepare myself the best I could for either type of news! I knew that if we ended up getting a negative test result, I was going to be traumatically distraught. This was the only type of result I was used to getting though. It was kind of expected in a sense. But I couldn't stay negative the whole nine days...that is not healthy! So on a positive note, if it WAS negative, we had two good embryos remaining, that we had frozen, to use if we needed to try it again. While this option was not ideal, it was an option. Until I run out of options, there is always hope! Overall, I felt like I was somewhat prepared to get a negative test. Like I said, it was what I was expecting since nothing had worked to this point!

However, if it does work......

I don't even freakin' know how I am going to act. I really do not even know how to prepare for that news because, I HAVE NEVER HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO. I have NO IDEA what that will feel like, what emotions will come over me, what I will say, what I will do...hell, I might even pass out! I literally do not know what to expect in that regard. I have longed to know what it feels like to see a positive test..to feel that excitement! All I know is, I am ready to experience it. While the element of surprise for Bud and I has been out the door for quite some time now, I was still a little bummed that, if it was positive, I wouldn't get to surprise him in some exciting way like I have always dreamed of. He knows the exact day I have to go back to take that test so no surprise there. Either way, we knew that was out the door, so we agreed to just hear/see the news together when that time came! Probably best anyway, because no matter what the result is, some crazy emotion will be coming out of me in some way, shape, or form!

I know I have said this before, but having to live through this experience still leaves me in shock every day. Until it happens, you never imagine yourself going through something like that. It is such an eye opening experience. While going through it has sucked, thus far, I know when our time does come, and we get to experience the good side of this journey, we get to hold our child that we fought so hard for in our arms, I know the "journey" itself that we went through will become irrelevant. We will be so much more appreciative of the miracle of life! I just CANNOT wait to feel, REALLY FEEL, these type of emotions. I know I will one day, which is what has kept me going. We will keep fighting until we get it, too!

I have a big family and have seen many babies come into this world without really giving this whole other world a thought. Before you get married, you think..

"Okay, we are going to get married, buy a house, start a family around this time, plan to have another child at this time," (Depending on how many you want)..and never really give it a thought that your PLAN may take a detour because of something like this. Or anything!

Or you get married, and just get hounded by family, friends, strangers about when you are going to have a baby when maybe you do not want to have any. Everyone has a different plan, a different dream. Either way you still get asked and asked and asked.

We live in a world now where getting married and having kids right away are expected. If you aren't doing it quick enough, it apparently becomes everyone else's business. These things should be private unless YOU want to make it known or talk about it. You never truly know what others are going through. If they aren't talking about it a lot or AT ALL....that may be a sign you need to pick up on. There is just a whole new perspective you take on after going through a journey like this. That is the point I have most hoped to get across by sharing our story. More people should be aware of infertility in general.

I know, I know, I am rambling on...but these are a lot of the thoughts and emotions that came over me during the wait this time. I mean, I have always thought about these things, but in the nine days of waiting to found out this fate, it was deeper than ever. Regardless of what results I was going to get from this treatment, I knew I wanted to try to help others going through similar struggles the best I could. While also, educating others who know nothing about these struggles.

Looking back at this journey so far, so much has happened and changed. WE have changed. I am terrified to face the outcome of this treatment in nine days. ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. I guess everything will happen the way it is suppose to. Looking at all of THIS that we had to do is crazy, in order to get a baby and start a family. IT JUST HAS TO WORK!!!!!!!!

Anywho....

I always knew Bud and I were soul mates, but I am even more sure of that now. Marriage can be difficult enough at times, then you throw this in the mix and you either sink or swim. It did put a strain on us at times, but NEVER to the point where we took it out on each other or wanted to give up. He may not be the most sensitive person and show his emotions openly...but damn, he has taken such good care of me! He has been by my side every step of the way, never losing hope! I do not know how I could have done any of this without him. He makes me so happy and if it ends up being just the two of us for the rest of our lives, we will be okay. There will be a hole that may never be filled, but my love for that man will never fade. I just want more than ANYTHING to be able to make him a daddy! You guys have no idea how badly I want that!!! Seeing what an amazing husband he is, I know he will an even better father!

He has learned a lot, lost a lot, and gained a lot from this whole journey so far as well. While it hasn't been just me that has been hurting, I know he has, too. He just always tries to stay strong for me... I get that.

Wait, I have spoken for him enough so far.

Who wants to hear about this experience from Bud's perspective, too?