On to the Next One

That Monday we went back to Cincy for my appointment, I was so nervous. I usually did not get very nervous for my ultrasound appointments, but with the mess of a cycle I just had I did not know what to expect.

When the doctor came in, he got right to the ultrasound. He told me he was sure I was beyond frustrated at this point, but I needed to try to stay as positive as I could. Yeah, Yeah!

After a few minutes of him looking around during the ultrasound, he told us he thought we should give the IUI another try. We were told the same shit we have been told every time.

"Everything looks fine. Looks great. This is going to be a good cycle. I gotta good feeling this time." His words at every ultrasound, I swear. It was hard for me to bring up questions and concerns to him because he always has those positive comments, but I fired them up this time. I was tired of the same ol' responses and NEVER getting any answers. So I began to ask...

"Are my chances still good at getting pregnant this time, even though I just had a cycle that was 50 days apart?" "Well I wouldn't look too much into that, every woman's body reacts differently and the drugs you are taking are what is going to enhance you're chances, that's why you're taking them," he said. "So are my chances this cycle just as good as if I had a normal cycle," I asked. "I think it's going to be a good one," was his response......REALLY??????!!!!!

I could tell Bud was getting frustrated, as well. He chimed in...

"Why was her period so messed up this time? Is there anything that could be seriously wrong? Is there any other step we should take first before jumping into another IUI procedure?"

He wasn't holding back at all, and I was proud of him. However, we still only got vague, generic responses like,

"Every cycle is different...It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong...You are taking the right steps...This is your best option right now." Then why did I not have a good feeling? This was going to be our 5th time trying IUI. That is a lot! We have had zero luck with this so far, but why would the 5th time finally work?

Five is Bud and I's favorite number. We also got married on October 5th, so we thought we had to at least give it one more try. The doctor didn't really act like we had other options at that point, so we thought we were doing the right thing. We continued on the next two weeks with more medications and injections. Two more trips up to Cincy before we scheduled the 5th procedure. Gosh it's so exhausting. It is still hard for me to believe I am really saying this is our 5th time! Surprisingly, the best day for us to do this next procedure fell on a Saturday. It saved us a little headache from having to take off or leave from work. Bad thing is, it fell on the day of my cousin/best friend Laurens' daughters 1st birthday party. I couldn't miss it or be late or people would think something serious was wrong. I scheduled our appointment as early as we could so we could have enough time to make it back to Louisville in time for the party. I ended up having to tell Lauren that I couldn't come early to help her set up and decorate because I had an important doctor appointment, that was not in town, and I couldn't miss it. She knows a little bit about what's going on, so she understood and wished us luck!

| April 23, 2016 | There are 3 doctors total in the practice at this specialist we are going to and we have had these IUI procedures performed by 2 out of 3 of the doctors so far. This 5th one was going to be performed by the 3rd Doctor we hadn't seen yet. Yay!? We successfully met all three doctors from going to this damn place so much...awesome! Well dude, you're up! Third doctor we are seeing and our 5th time doing this...make it happen! When we left, Bud mentioned that maybe since this one was on a Saturday (we've never done one on Saturday before), it's our 5th time (favorite #), and it was done by a doctor we haven't had yet, we will have good luck! I appreciate his optimism and I hate that I didn't feel the same way, but after all this time, I don't believe in signs or "luck" anymore. It is what it is, was my new motto. Sad but true...

We made it back to Louisville just in time for the birthday party. Thankfully I had a couple hours to rest on the drive back. No one in my family suspected anything, so that was a plus! It was kind of scary how good Bud and I had become at acting! Sorry family!

This 2ww surprisingly went by a lot faster than the other times. I guess I wasn't stressing over it every single day and was staying busy. There was a lot going on in the month of May. I was in one of my best friends weddings in May and her bachelorette party happened to be the weekend after we had the 5th procedure done. I was worried about going out, actually having fun for a change and drinking with my friends. It felt like it had been so long since I did anything like that. Bud told me to just live my life like I would normally, like this wasn't going on. That maybe good would come from it. I didn't know how to go back to living like that, being carefree without a worry in the world. I've hardly drank any alcohol in the past two years and I didn't want to at the bachelorette party in case this time the procedure did work (yeah right). People get pregnant on one night stands or while they were heavily intoxicated, so I shouldn't worry so much about it if I wanted to have a couple drinks. Right? Yeah, I know, I was still a little iffy about it, too! I ended up having two drinks, maybe, that night, but still managed to have fun! The whole baby thing never left my mind, though! I'm telling you, it literally consumes your life...your every thought, no matter where you are or what you're doing. There is no shutting it off! The next week, the 2nd week of our 2ww, was Derby week! Supposed to be the best week in Louisville! We celebrated some by going to the balloon glimmer with my brother, sister-n-law, and Ava and Aiden. Then to a derby party on derby day. I didn't feel the greatest on Derby day, but figured it was just because I was about to start. I was not about to suspect the procedure worked, but didn't drink any alcohol JUST IN CASE.

Finally, the destiny of that "lucky" 5th procedure came to light.

I took a pregnancy test a couple days after Derby and what do you think the result was?

Really, what do YOU think? As readers, you're probably expecting nothing but bad news too, right? I mean, that is the only result you have experienced with me so far, so don't stop assuming now....because you're right!

BFN (BIG FAT NEGATIVE).

I don't know if I even cried this time. I was over it. Done! What else can I say at this point? All I knew in that moment was that I was done doing what we were doing. I know our doctor said to give it three more tries with the additional meds and injections, but I am NOT doing this same procedure one more time. There had to be something else, another option, anything. We have gotten no where, have zero answers, forked out SOOOOO much money, SOOOOO much time, and I feel like all I have gained from it was depression. We have literally gained NOTHING. Regardless of what we have went through so far, the end result at this very moment was that we still have yet to start our family. I was not OKAY with that.

Everyone always says everything happens for a reason, but I literally do not know why this is happening to us. Will I ever? I have lost a lot of hope and faith. I hate to say that, but we have not had an ounce of good luck through all of this. I mean, I think we are decent people...I know we would be good parents...so what could possibly be holding us back from experiencing that?

Something had to change. Things were only getting worse. I have completely lost myself and we have lost a lot from our lives. I could not go on like this any more. We had to do something and fast, but what? We didn't feel like we were getting much out of the specialist we were seeing. Maybe we need to find another doctor. Bud was in agreement with me and fine with changing things up a bit, but where do we even start? I didn't want to have the feeling of starting all over again, but I felt we did not have a choice....