Was this Break a Good Idea?

At first the break really was a great idea. We had time to get part of our lives back and not have to be constantly worried or scheduled to be somewhere. Plus, we were looking forward to getting another pup, so I was putting a lot of my focus into that! Mentally, I was doing a little better. However, that did not last for long.

|April 6, 2016 |

My last period was February 21, 2016. To this day, 4/6/16, I have not had another one yet. So about 2 weeks late so far. I know my cycles have never been regular, but this was beginning to freak me out. Maybe it was because I was not taking any medications for a change, and my body was in shock. Or MAYBE this really is our miracle we were hoping for!

Yeah right. I literally only thought that for a second and got over it. With the way our luck has been and the way my body has rejected EVERYTHING, I knew something had to be wrong.

I could tell Bud was getting a little excited, thinking maybe I really could be pregnant. Every day he was asking me how I was feeling, if I had started yet, if I was feeling different than normal. He was the one starting to analyze everything all the sudden. I am sure that was partly my fault, because I kept talking about how I have never been this late before. So I was getting his hopes up!

I actually took an at home pregnancy test on Easter, 3/27/16 and it was negative. So I REALLY was not expecting anything good from this. However, Bud had been reading all of these stories online about how a lot of women take pregnancy tests at home to early and their HCG levels aren't high enough.

He said to me, "You know this one lady did not get a positive test until she was 5 weeks pregnant."

While I understood this was possible...I was not convinced it was the case for me. I loved that he was being so positive and hopeful, but I just knew it could not have happened that easy for us after all that we have gone through so far. Yeah, I know, I am still a negative Nancy.

So here we are, 10 days since I took that pregnancy test, still no period. I have not taken another one yet. I was afraid to. I am at a loss right now. What do I do? Take another test? If I do and it is still negative, then we have bigger problems because my period being this late cannot be good. Yet, what if I do and it really is positive and we could have a miracle growing inside of me and not even know it? Ugh, I just don't know!

Bud and I are both so scared to find out the truth at this point. It has been weighing on his mind more than I thought...

THIS WAS THE CONSTANT BATTLE, EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. After having no treatment or meds, this is what is happening? Seriously? No period? What are the odds?

What Bud doesn't know right now, is that I ended up calling my Gyno about what was going on. They are having me come in today, 4/6/16, for a blood test to see if I really am pregnant or not. Unfortunately, since my appointment is so late in the afternoon, they will not have the results back til the following day. If the test comes back negative, then they will give me some medication to help start my period. Hoping this won't be the case, but most likely!

I decided not to tell Bud just yet because I don't want him to be even more freaked out and stressed waiting on these results to come back. I would rather put all of that worry on me, just do it, wait on that phone call the next day and THEN I can tell him the results. He even told me, if I decided to take another test at home, not to tell him I was doing it, just do it. So this was pretty much the same thing! Plus, if by a far stretch of imagination it ends up being positive, how awesome would it be to be able to surprise him with that news?!!! That is what I have ALWAYS looked forward to the most, so if there was a chance I could make that happen, then I always wanted to try!

I went to take the blood test late afternoon that day, without saying a word to Bud, or anyone for that matter, about it. I was so nervous while I was there, hands were sweating, stomach was in knots...I just wanted these results so I could move on from this worry! When I went back to have my blood drawn, I asked the nurse if there was any chance I would be able to get the results before the end of the day. She assured me I wouldn't have them until the next day unfortunately. Hey, it was worth asking!

When I got back to my car, I said a quick prayer to Paps! I was praying with all my heart that I was about to witness a miracle. I went on the rest of the day acting like everything was normal around Bud. He didn't suspect anything! Now I just had to anxiously wait for this damn phone call the next day, and who knows WHAT TIME they will even call! Needless to say, I barely slept that night.

The next morning it was the first thing on my mind. I knew this day was going to drag waiting on this phone call. I tried to stay busy at work and not think about it too much. HAHA! Like I really didn't think about it...every second...yeah right! I kept debating on whether or not I should answer when they called. Maybe I shouldn't and I will just listen to the voicemail when I am ready. Ugh, another battle I had with myself all morning.

I was away from my desk for a few minutes and when I came back, I had a missed call. Sure enough, it was the Gyno. My heart was pounding!! I saw that they left a voicemail but I couldn't bring it to myself to listen to it yet. I sat there and stared at my phone for a few minutes, thinking to my self that I really didn't even want to know. So many thoughts and emotions going on all at once. For a second, I felt like I didn't even know where I was. All I knew what that the answer was on this voicemail.

I laid my phone down and began to try to get back to work. That lasted for maybe 10 minutes...I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom. Deep down I knew I was about to hear the same type of news I have always heard over and over, but WHAT IF?? After all we had been through, I still had the smallest ounce of hope that this time was going to be different.

Ahhh!! My heart was pounding even faster, as I pressed play...