Time for a Break?

The time had come that I was way past a breaking point. I could honestly say, I was not myself anymore. It is so crazy and sad that struggling from something like this can truly do that to you. At times, I really thought I was losing my mind. This struggle had consumed every ounce of my life and it was not healthy for me anymore.

Looking back at it now, it actually amazes me that Bud and I kept things together when around others, especially family. I have quite a big family, cousins that I am close with in age, and there were times where they noticed I was not myself. My closest cousin in age straight up called me out one day. She said she knew something was wrong by just talking to me and seeing the look on my face every time she saw me. And of course my mom could tell...she has been able to for a while now. I hated that and did not want to worry others. I would just casually tell them we were going through a difficult time trying to get pregnant because my periods are so messed up and it was just frustrating.

They knew I would come to them if I REALLY needed someone to talk to. It was just too difficult for me. I HATE talking about my feelings to others, especially when I am struggling. I think it has more to do with me just not wanting to burden anyone with my problems. However, the main reason Bud and I did not spend our time talking about our issues were because we did not want other people looking at us any differently. We did not want pity. We did not want people to feel weird around us, like they couldn't talk about their babies or their pregnancy. We didn't want to walk into a room and completely change the vibe because people knew we were hurting. We also did not want our parents to know the extent of these procedures and medications because we did not want them to feel like they needed to help us pay for any of it. It was our problem and we wanted to keep it that way. It did not need to be anyone else's problem, too.

So I will say, I think we did pretty well putting on a poker face (for the most part). As hard as it was sometimes, it was the best thing to do. However, at this point we were at now, I was afraid how much longer I could go on pretending around everyone. I had been on medication after medication, injections after injections for a while now and I felt like crap half the time just because of those alone. I had marks and bruises all over my stomach from the shots every month. I was always tired and drained. Sadly, I just never wanted to do anything. I couldn't tell you the last time Bud and I spent time together, just the two of us, doing something fun. All of our time alone recently was spent driving to and from Cincinnati and in and out of doctors appointments. This whole process, back to back to back, had just sucked everything out of us.

Once I realized our 4th IUI procedure was a fail, of course I was upset and frustrated, but the thought of having to do everything all over again for the next cycle was draining. I felt I had run out of the energy to continue on.

Since I had started over the weekend, I knew I had until Monday to call the specialist to let them know and decide if we wanted to proceed on with another procedure or not. After my third failed procedure, the doctors had mentioned trying up to three more times with the higher dosage of the meds and injections. If those three more time did not work, we would have to discuss more expensive options. Well I was only at one out of those three MORE tries and already feeling over it. There just has to be something else they can do. Or there has to be something wrong that they haven't found yet, but how much longer was it going to take?

I did not feel like the route we were going was healthy for me anymore. They say stress is the worst thing for you when trying to conceive...well my stress level wasn't going to help my situation one bit if I continued on like this. With that being said, I knew what I NEEDED to do, what WE NEEDED to do.

We needed to take a break from all of this, all together.

When I asked Bud if he was okay with me not calling the doctor on Monday and just taking a break from it all, he was obviously more than supportive...

"Yes baby girl. I am frustrated more than anything, but I cannot take seeing you so upset month after month. It may be selfish of me to say, but it would be nice to not have to worry about it, even if its for a month, ya know?"

I agreed with him.. "Yeah, it would. As much as I hate to think I am delaying things even more, I think it is probably best for now. I need some time to find some peace through all of this. Nothing is going to work if I am constantly stress and depressed. WE need to take the time to actually do something fun together, go on dates again, focus our minds on other things, for a least a month and then decide how to proceed after that."

"I am all for that baby girl. I feel like this has taken so much from us that I want back. I need YOU back and that is the only thing I am worried about right now. You! I want my wife back!"

I am glad we were at least always on the same page. We really did not get to spend much time together anymore, even throughout the week, unless we were at appointments. On top of everything, I was working late every single night. It would upset him even more that I was working like that knowing how much stress I am already under, but there was not a lot I could do about it. We just didn't have much of a home life together during these months. Everything was just too hectic and overwhelming.

A break really was the best thing for us, I was confident of that! I just needed to let go and try to relax and focus on us again. So that is what we did!

On February 27, 2016 we decided to not make any plans with anyone and just spend the day together! Louisville had a basketball game that afternoon, so we decided to go to a bar downtown and watch the game together. We made a pact to not talk about any fertility issues or anything negative that whole day. We ordered some food and I actually ordered a couple alcoholic beverages (which I hadn't had in I don't know how long). It was nice to let lose and not worry about anything for the day! It had felt like forever since we did anything like this. Bud kept looking at me and smiling, saying how lucky he was to get to spend the day with me. He always knew how to make me smile, even through tough times! I was just as lucky to be spending the day with him. We needed it for sure!

Once the game was over, we decided to go across the bridge to the Falls of Ohio. It was such a beautiful day out, so we wanted to so something outside. 58 degrees and sunny, perfect weather! We just walked around the park and along the river for a while. There were a lot of people out walking their dogs, which got me thinking....

We both are crazy dog lovers, already have one dog of our own that you all know about if you have been reading. Why not get another dog? We obviously weren't having a baby in the next few months so why not? That could help take our mind off of all the negativity for a while and possibly bring some happiness to our home! Bud has ALWAYS wanted his own German Shepherd, as that was his childhood dog, and sure enough, that day, we saw someone walking their two German Shepherd dogs. I just thought it was meant to be! When I mentioned the idea to Bud, he first shot it down, but the more I kept talking about it and how good it would be for us, he finally agreed! Yay!!!

At least now I could have SOMETHING to look forward to! Luckily, we saw a friend of the family had German Shepherd puppies for sale on Facebook and I had to jump on it! They were still very young so we weren't going to physically get one until April, but at least we had that to look forward to!! I was actually starting to get excited about something.

After we left the Falls, we stopped by a Starbucks for some coffees, and then headed back home! We had a blast being together all day and ended up staying up til like 2am, which is unheard of for us anymore! Haha!

Despite all the negativity that had been surrounding us lately, after this day we spent together, I realized how blessed I really am to have what I do have right now! The most amazing husband, best friend and companion who has been by my side through every step of this! Who was also letting me get another dog! Haha, just kidding!

I am not sure how long taking this break will actually last, but I am not going to count the days and cycles for now. Just let things be and see what happens. Who knows, maybe there will be a miracle and we will get pregnant on our own without the medications and procedures. Yeah, I know, wishful thinking, but ya never know! I definitely was not going to put too much thought into that!

We still had each other and had another pup to look forward to. This change was going to be good, right?!