Year of 2015

Bear with me here....

Hopefully I will be finished writing all of these sad, depressing blogs soon. As much as I cannot deny, this was the way our life was right now, I just had to accept it. Trust me, I KNOW there are plenty of more important things going on in the world and my problems were not the worst thing ever. But actually dealing with it, all at once, has been harder on me that I ever imagined. I tried not to let it show. I tried to put on a happy face everywhere we went. But everything was just catching up to me, too fast. I hated the way I was constantly feeling. I hated feeling so depressed. I hated acting like I was living two different lives. Dealing with all of this, just us two, was hard at times but I was in no position to want to talk to others about it.

So this is me, letting out all my aggression and sadness...it had to be let out somehow.

New years was coming up now and I was dreading that, too. I had literally become the Grinch of all holidays..how annoying! All I could think about was our last New Years. Bud and I took a picture together and I captioned it, "Happy New Year! This is going to be our best year yet!" We had high hopes...when in reality, it ended up being probably the worst year.

Not only were we dealing with these struggles, privately, but this year we also lost the greatest man that ever lived...my grandpa, "Paps." I would have given anything to have been able to have a child that could have known him. I pray to him almost everyday. I know he listens, and one day he will help us get our dream.

This year was just not what I was expecting it to be. After all of the money we have spent so far on these medications, appointments and procedures, attended a handful a baby showers, gender reveal parties, seeing millions of pregnancy announcements day after day, family and friends drilling us about having a baby, numerous attempts of trying to get pregnant on our own and with medications, now multiple failed procedures...I was afraid to celebrate a new year. What if 2016 was going to be filled with more heartache? I did not know how much more I could take.

NYE parties just did not seem like fun this year. I did not feel like celebrating and putting on a fake smile at a party, pretending to be having fun, when deep down I was crying. I just wanted to be at home, with my husband who understands what I am going through, and do nothing. It is something that no one else would understand, and we didn't have to explain to anyone. We just wanted to stay home. So that is what we did!

My mom could sense something had been off with me. Mothers always know. I felt bad not telling her everything that was going on, but it was for her own good. For those of you that do not know my mom, she would have just been a nervous wreck and crying every day about it, lol. Sorry Mom, but you know it is true. She too had fertility issues when she was younger, so I did not want her to blame herself.

But she sure did always have a strong mommy sense. Almost every time I was at my lowest point, or we happened to be up in Cincy for a procedure, she would always send me these text messages just telling me how much she loved me! It was crazy. Even Bud said...

"She always knows."

Well I happened to get this text from her about something my 8 year old niece, Ava, had said to her. My mom knew we wanted to have kids, but from what I had told her, she was led to believe it was just problems with my thyroid and periods being out of whack. Which was not too far from the truth. But like I said, she could tell something was off with me with lately, and apparently my niece was sensing something, too!

That sure did make my heart smile! Praying she was right.

I had to get out of this funk and keep moving forward. I was not going to get pregnant by being depressed and mad all the time. As hard as it was, we had to move on to the next step.

After Bud and I talked about it, we decided to give the IUI another shot. The way our doctor acted, you had better chances of it working your second and third times. We did not really have any other options at this point, so decided to go with what he thought was best.

I got my medications ordered for the next cycle and my next ultrasound for monitoring was going to be the beginning of January 2016.

Scares the crap out of me going into this AGAIN, knowing how let down I will be if it does not work, AGAIN. But Bud kept telling me to stay positive, we have to keep trying! The process alone and taking the shots are so dreadful, but he is right.

So here we are...going to give this another try. Fingers crossed!!