We Gotta Do This Again?

Okay, even though our first round of IUI was unsuccessful, we are ready to try again. Our specialist seemed so confident that IUI was going to work for us, so we did not want to give up after the first try. Most women have about a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant the first try. Being aware of this, we tried to not completely give up hope on this procedure.

We decided to proceed with round two the very next month. I stayed on the same medications/injections as I did for the first round. December 2, 2015 was my next ultrasound to monitor how this cycle was progressing. The first time, they did my ultrasound on CD10 (cycle day10). This month they were going to do it on CD12. I seem to ovulate later than most women so I was hoping this cycle would show better progress than last time. Our appointment was at 8:45am at the Florence, KY location so we were up and at it by 6AM for the drive. I was exhausted...and my mind would just not stop racing the whole drive there. Gosh, I hope this is our last time having to do this...

Bud took a half day of vacation at work and my manager was somewhat aware of what was going on, so I would just go back to work when we got back in town. These monitoring appointments usually do not take very long.

As we got closer to Florence, Bud was saying how he was going to ask more questions at this appointment. He was so aggravated it didn't work the first time and wanted answers. As soon as the doctor came in, the first thing he says is,

"Ok, I know you are wondering if this is ever going to happen for you?"

He took the words right out of my mouth, even though I've been wondering that for a while now. He assured us this procedure can sometimes take until the third cycle to work and that most women do not have much luck with it working the very first time.

Hmm..Ya don't say?!

He told us not to get discouraged yet, we still have time. Everything is so much easier said than done throughout this experience, but what else is he suppose to say at this point? We knew he could not guarantee us this was going to work, but why was he so confident that it would? If nothing is "wrong" with me, then why didn't it work?

Once he started the ultrasound, he saw one big follicle and a few small ones on the other ovary. He said my lining looked great and that this looked like a really good cycle. We were told to come back Friday for insemination, meaning I would take the trigger shot that night, Wednesday. So now we had to figure out what to do about work, again.

Bud stood during this entire appointment. He swayed back and forth as the doctor spoke and was just waiting to get his questions in every time he would stop talking. It was kind of cute! While I was just as frustrated and wanted to ask questions, I honestly did not even know what to ask at this point. We had been told over and over everything looked great; yet no one seemed to know WHY I was having the complications I was having. The only thing I seemed to have the energy to do anymore was sit back and pray.

Before the doc left the room, Bud asked him..

"Do we have a better chance of it working this time?"

"You will have better chances during your second and third tries, than you did your first," the doctor said. "Just try to stay positive."

Again, easier said than done!

We set up our appointment to come back that Friday,12/4/15, which was exactly one month from our first insemination. We left the office that day positive and praying this was the last time we would have to schedule this dreadful appointment. Please, please, please!

With Christmas coming up, a time of the year you are suppose to be happy, I was just blah.... I had no interest in the holidays, which is so sad to say, but going through these procedures and processes were so draining. I did not talk to anyone about what was going on at the time. I am not good at doing that anyway, but who wants to listen to my depressing stories during the holidays? Bud was the one who got to listen, whether he wanted to or not. Sometimes, I wouldn't even talk to him, I would just sit on the couch beside him and cry. It was just so hard not knowing anything and only being able to hold onto hope.

The holidays are busy for everyone anyway, so not too many people really picked up on our moods or absences, I don't think anyway. My job was super busy at the time as well, and I was working late nights. It did frustrate Bud at times, because he knew how much stress I was under already and I was working so much on top of it. I would come home late during the week and he could just see sadness in my eyes. I hated it, who I was becoming, but I had no control over it. I was constantly stressed and constantly on edge with worry. Ughh...I even hate writing about it. I am not one to complain or dwell on things going on in my life, but I truly mean it when I say, during this journey I had zero control over my emotions and stress level.

So this is why I am writing about it. I need an outlet...that won't judge me. I understand that many women going through similar experiences have it a lot worse than me right now. Some could have been told already that they could never have kids, or they have been trying for 5+ years now without any luck. I get it. Things could be so much worse...and my heart aches for those women. I apologize to those women right now for my actions and thoughts at this point in my journey. I need to be more positive, and I am working on finding that strength!

Our journey is not over yet and I need to realize that! We still have hope. So lets do this procedure again, damnit...Fingers crossed.