2WW | IUI Round 1

The two weeks went by relatively quickly, only because we had a lot going on. We celebrated both of our birthdays in those two weeks, so that helped some, but it was constantly on my mind. We know at this point to not talk much about it and get our hopes up, but sometimes we found ourselves talking about our future children and things we want to do as a family. But not long after we start, I stop the convo and move on to something else. I hate that! But that's just how things are now. We used to talk about our children all the time, in all our years leading up to this, and we spoke about it in excitement and giddiness. Now it's just a scare almost. Like, is it even ever going to happen? Maybe we shouldn't talk about it and jinx it... We did talk about what we would do the day we took the pregnancy test. We thought it was a good idea to have a plan of something fun to do if the test was negative. And if it was positive we would celebrate! We got a bunch of gift cards for our birthdays, so decided if it was negative we would go out and shop with our gift cards. I wanted to go see a funny movie or something, but there was not one funny movie out at the time. All I wanted for my bday was to see a positive pregnancy test! I've taken soo many tests in the past two years, and I begin to wonder, am I ever going to see a positive test? Ever?! I don't even know or can imagine what it would feel like to see that positive result. I am so numb to only seeing it a negative. I was scared to death!

In those two weeks I did, however, have three dreams that I had a positive test. That lifted my spirits some, but I have had them before and still have only seen negative results. I don't believe in "signs" anymore, sadly. (I know, I have become a negative Nancy). So that day comes to take it and I had told Bud the day before that I wasn't going to take it on the exact 2 week mark day. That I was going to wait a few more days and see if I got my period. He said that's fine, you do whatever you want babe. I had not noticed any pregnancy symptoms yet, so I was already feeling it was going to be negative. However, I woke up that morning of the 2WW mark and something just told me to go ahead, take it and get it over with. Otherwise I was going to drive myself even more crazy. I woke up for work and took it first thing. I covered with a towel and didn't look at the result until I was done getting ready. When I moved that towel to see the result, it was the same feeling I've had over and over, each month...numb, disappointment, mad, frustration, sadness....you know, the complete opposite of how you want to feel. I didn't cry at first though. I stared at it for a few minutes, like it was going to change or something. Then I just threw it away and left for work. I backed out of the driveway and was debating on whether I should tell Bud right now or not. Didn't want to ruin his day too, but then again I needed my husband to talk to. He starts work earlier than me so I didn't wanna call him and be all distraught while he's working. So I simply texted him and said, "Went ahead and took the test, and it was negative. So there's that." After I sent that, I guess the reality of it set in more. I started driving to work and just started crying. So many emotions hitting me all at once. Bud called me a few minutes later after I sent that text. I tried to sound like I wasn't crying..but he knows me so well. He sounded upset too, just not crying like a fool like me. He gets more mad/upset, when he is sad. He started blaming the doctors and saying they need to do more, they aren't doing enough, they should know more about why this isn't working....on and on. We talked for a little while so I could calm down before I walked into work. He assured me everything is going to be fine and we will just try again. Three days later I started my period. Hit me even harder...but what's new. Onto the next cycle...so we can do this all over again.