And Again | IUI 4

Monday, January 25, 2016, I call my doctor in the morning to get some insight on what we have to do now. After they reviewed my chart and received approval from the doctor, they told me that since I have had three unsuccessful treatments that I needed to come into the office THAT day for an ultrasound. Keep in mind, I had just started my period two days ago, so I am on CD3 (cycle day 3). Before I was not having ultrasound follow ups until at least CD10. AND these ultrasounds were vaginal ultrasounds.....So I was really confused at why they wanted to do an ultrasound TODAY and on CD3! When I asked them if I could possibly come tomorrow, CD4, so I could at least give work some notice, they told me that they really needed to do the ultrasound on CD1 or 2 so I was already behind.

They explained that since my treatments have failed up to now, the doctor needs to do an ultrasound this early in my cycle to see if he can see something they haven't been able to see later in my cycles. WTH? I slowly began to freak out. Not only was I was scared of going to this appointment and them seeing something abnormal, I was currently in Louisville and they want me there, in Cincinnati for this appointment before the end of the day! I had no warning that I may have to go up there today, so how am I going to leave work so unexpectedly? And how is Bud going to be able to go with me this short of notice? They said they could schedule me for the latest appointment of the day, 4:30 pm, to allow me transit time. This means I would need to leave work at about 2:00 pm. Ugh!! This was not stressful at all!

As soon as I got off the phone with them, I called Bud to fill him in. He was concerned and stressed just like me. He had a lot going on at work and was not sure if he was going to be able to leave on such short notice and without a good excuse. I didn't want him to get in trouble or be questioned at work, so I told him to see what he could do and let me know soon. I had a couple hours before I had to leave work. All I knew is that, whether he could come with me or not, I had to go. If I missed it, this could set us back another month.

I had to somehow be able to briefly explain this to my manager, and see if it was okay for me to leave early. I called her into the conference room, where I was, so I could talk to her. I was sitting there waiting for her to come in, so overwhelmed with emotion, stress and anxiety. As soon as she walked in and sat down, I looked up at her and she could tell something was wrong. I opened my mouth, trying to find words to speak but instead I just started crying. I could not help it. So much had already happened to us and this phone call with the doctor just set me off again. I was just all over the place. She got up from her chair and just hugged me. I HATE people seeing me like this. I always try to put on tough persona, but I was past a breaking point unfortunately. She then knew whatever we have been trying, has not been working. I finally gathered myself and briefly explained what I just learned on the phone call with my doctor. She was very understanding and did not hesitate to tell me to leave whenever I needed to. I was so grateful to have a caring and understanding person to work for. I do not know how I would have got through all of this otherwise. She asked if Bud was going to be able to come with me since it was such short notice. I explained that I did not know yet, he was waiting to see if he was going to be able to leave or not. She shook her head and just assured me to let her know if I needed anything and to just head out when I needed to so I would not be rushed.

I went back to my desk and tried to get as much done as I could. Bud got back with me about 30 minutes before I had to leave and told me he just was not going to be able to leave. You see, his mom works in the office at his work, and its not a big office. So if he was just to leave, unexpectedly, in a hurry, it would seem suspicious. He also did not want to go into detail with his boss about WHY he needed to leave because he did not want it to get back to his mom and worry her. So I was completely understandable about the position he was in. I know it sucked that he could not go, but the drive is not that bad and I just wanted to get there and get it over with. Everything would be fine!

Long story short, I made it up there for the 4:30 appointment and thankfully everything was normal with my ultrasound! He went over a list of additional injections I would need to take this cycle and when to take them. I asked him why I am still struggling so much if everything always looks normal. He gave me a generic answer about how some times this happens to women and we do not really have an explanation for it. That helped a lot! Ugh, it was so frustrating!

Bud was relieved nothing went wrong during my appointment, but I could hear the frustration in his voice as well. We were sooo over this! We didn't know what else to do.

I called in my injections for this cycle and thanks to insurance, they were about $400 more! Awesome! I guess we are really giving this IUI another try. Hopefully these additional drugs will aid us more this time and we will have better luck with the procedure! Wishful thinking, though.

The beginning of 2016 was already starting off not so great. It had to start looking up right?

We are proceeding with our 4th IUI procedure in February 2016. Here we go again!!

Same process as the three other times. I did have more monitoring appointments in Cincy and a lot more shot injections to take, leading up to procedure day. Every time we have left the doctors office in Cincy, the days of our procedures, Bud and I have always waived BYE to that place and said, "This is the last time we will ever have to come here." Yet, here we are back with a fourth procedure. Ugh! When we left this time, we were sure to say it again! It just HAD to be the last time! Had to be, right?!

The dreadful 2ww anxiety began to set in, again...

I wish I could remain as positive as he wants me to. I really do try!

But it really is easier said than done!

Then reality sets in...again!

At this point, I really am at a loss for words anymore. Mentally and physically, I do not know if I can take this much longer. Never did I think it was going to be this hard and that we would still be here, after this long, fighting so hard. Is it ever going to happen for us?? Ever?? How many more times do we have to go through these medications, appointments, procedures and disappointments? Becoming a mother is something that is suppose to come naturally to us women, something that we were put on this earth to do, right? Why am I being punished? This pain is unbearable, indescribable and absolutely miserable anymore! I've taken two negative tests since my 2ww has ended. No period yet, but it's coming. Its just that jacked up STILL. I just don't understand.

"There are no such thing as SIGNS. Stop looking for them. You're period is going to come, as much as you think you can prevent it from coming, it's going to start anyway. No you're not having mood swings because you're having early pregnancy symptoms, you're having mood swings because you're fucking exhausted, frustrated and so overwhelmed with every emotion possible, you don't know what the hell is going on!' 4th IUI cycle goes unsuccessful, and these aren't even HALF of my feelings right now. Just a few word for word feelings I expressed at this very moment in our journey. Will it ever end???? I need a vacation, a break, a stress reliever...anything! I'm losing myself.

I'm always SAD!!!! I hate it.