IUI 2 Cont.

| December 2015 |

Even though we were soo close to Christmas Eve, I just couldn't not handle this wait any longer. I am now 5 days late on my period and our dog, Chance, has been acting really strange around me. I know dogs have like a sixth sense sometimes, and I read a lot of articles about how they might know you're pregnant before you do. Soooooo...what if Chance knows?

I know, it's crazy to put that belief in my dogs, but for starters, I freaking love my dog and the thought of him possibly being able to sense something different with me, really made me want to take that test even more now. Even Bud was noticing how weird he was acting. But of course, he did not want that to lead us to taking the test sooner than we agreed on.

On my way home from work on the 23rd, I stopped and got a pregnancy test. I didn't tell Bud I was doing it either. When I got home, Chance was acting even more strange towards me. I kept telling Bud something is up for him to be acting this way. He didn't want to believe it though. I will say though, it was not that he was acting more loving towards me, but the opposite. I have always been his favorite in the house ; ) and all the sudden he was acting like he was scared of me. Of course I read MORE article about dogs behavior in "possible" early pregnancy. Some said they would act more loving towards you, but some also said they may become distant from you. If they sense something is different about you, they may not know what it is exactly or know how to act around you. Made sense to me! I gotta take this test!

Bud ended up seeing the pregnancy test in my bag, when I got home. He just looked at me like, "Are you serious?" I tried to justify my reasoning as to why I should go ahead and take it, but he was not budging. He said,

"If its negative I do not want to face it yet."

Which broke my heart into a million pieces. I felt that way every month, too, but for some reason this time I just had a feeling it could be different, mainly because of how Chance was acting towards me. He had never acted that way before, so he must be sensing something, right?

I wanted to prove my point, so I told Bud to sit on the floor on one side of the room and I would sit on the opposite side. We would let Chance in from outside, and see who he favored when he came in. Would he still be acting weird towards just me? So we decided to try it.

We let Chance in, and he immediately ran over to Bud. I kept saying his name, trying to get him to come to me, but he wouldn't. He would start walking towards me real slow, then run past me as fast as he could. THIS IS SO NOT NORMAL! I looked at Bud and said,

"See, he is trying to tell us something..."

Bud just shook his head and said,

"I still don't want you to take it yet."

Then he goes and grabs the pregnancy test, I just bought, and placed it all the way up on top of our cabinets so I couldn't get it down.

Really?

Ughhh...this was seriously driving me crazy! But I guess I could hold off one more day!

Bud went to take a shower, and left me all alone in that kitchen pondering the thought of getting that test down and taking it. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO NERVE RACKING? Screw it, I am just going to take it while he is in there.

I climbed on a chair and got that test down. Went into our other bathroom and went for it.

I then wrapped it in a towel and walked out of the bathroom to give it some time to read. I was going to wait for Bud to get out of the bathroom so we could look at it together. Maybe I could set up a camera in the living room, not tell him I went ahead and took it, and surprised him as we looked at it together. If it was going to be positive I wanted our reactions to be recorded, especially his since he did not know I was taking it. If it ended up being negative, then I would just delete it.

......WAITING..WAITING..WAITING......

Bud is taking too damn long in the bathroom and I'm dying to see the results on this test. I decided to look at it alone. If it was positive, then I could surprise him as he came into the living room, maybe with a sign around Chances neck or something. But if negative, I would just throw it away, like he told me to. Ahh...trust me I know all this back and forth shit is stupid. But this is seriously the play by play that goes on in your mind, going through this. I walked in the bathroom and see the towel laying over the test.

My heart was beating so fast.

M stomach was in knots.

I was praying to God and to Paps that it was positive.. I slowly unwrap the towel..

Turn the test over....

Heart beating faster...

And it reads...

NOT PREGNANT.

Here comes that feeling again. Heartbroken, disappointment, frustrated, sad, angry....

WHY??????????

I just don't understand why this keeps happening. What are we doing wrong? I mean, I feel like we are decent people that would be great parents, yet I felt like we were being punished. Drug addicts get pregnant every day and do not even want their babies, how fair is that? I did not mean to have thoughts, lashing out towards other people like that, but it is uncontrollable.

Oh my gosh, what am I going to say to Bud now? He did not want me to take this test and now he was going to be even more upset that I did and we have to face yet another failed attempt.

Having to tell him was almost worse than me finding out. I HATED seeing the look on his face. I felt even more so responsible for that look on his face because this was all me. I am the one who cannot get pregnant for whatever reason. I am the one holding him back from starting this family we have always wanted. As a woman, you just feel so defeated. The main reason we are put on this earth and given the beautiful ability to be able to create new life.....& I couldn't. Would I ever be able to? Would I even see a positive test? And now what? Go through ANOTHER procedure, medications and shot injections? I just wanted to throw up.

When Bud finally came out to the living, I was just sitting on the couch with a blank look on my face apparently. He could tell I had been crying, and immediately knew. I couldn't even find the words to tell him...but he knew.

He just sat down beside me and I cried in his arms. He had that look on his face...that look I did not want to see. We sat there in silence for a little while. Speechless.

After I calmed down some, I just kept apologizing to him.

Which he hated when I did that..He said,

"Stop apologizing, we are in this together. We will just keep trying. Don't lose hope babe."

I felt like I had ruined our Christmas. But we were going to find out anyway. We just to make the best out of our Christmas Eve and Christmas day with our families. I was just numb. It was all I could think about. Sadness and anger was just constantly overflowing me.

Happier days had to be in our future. Nothing bad lasts forever!